Last night, I had a reoccuring dream. The same thing that haunted me fo the past 3 years. It was all so real. My heart skipped a beat a few times. I remember waking up feeling lost. Cold sweat running down my spine. Never have I thought about it. But last night, I woke up thinking about the events that was happening that very day.
When friends asked me about how was life in Detention Barracks. I only tell them how the daily life was. But I never really told them what was going through my mind. I remember the day clearly. It was 31st January 2007. That morning I had bloodshot eyes. I didn't sleep a wink the night before. During that time. I remembered that I was having the toughest period of my life. Many uncertainties. My mind was roving here and there. Thinking of random thoughts. But, the only person I had in my mind was Liana. Days before that dreadful day, she found out something. Something about me. I admit I wa stupid, I was an idiot for running my mouth afoul. She decide to call it quits back then. But somehow after that. Something took place. An event that will change me and her totally. I was caught for driving an army truck. To be exect, a 5 ton man truck. I had no valid military license. I knew my days in camp were numbered. So on the 30th January 2007. That evening, I met her. Under my block. I apologised to her and told her that I'm not gonna see her for quite sometime. I, was granted nights off by my officer to actually go home and explained to my parents what exectly happen. But had to report to camp on the same night by 2330hrs. I told her that I was goin in the detention barracks for something stupid. She didn't believe me at first. So on that night, I returned to camp. My friends found out. They were telling me that its alright. No matter what I am still gonna be a part of the family. They told me that they will throw me a party when I got out. That same night. I spent my nights talking to her on the phone. That morning before I was taken away I called her. She told me that she forgave me and she needed time. The moment my specialist handcuffed my hands. My heart went heavy. Rock heavy. I was leaving it up to faith. Whatever that is going to happen while I was in there. Its God's will. I was supposedly sentenced to 40 days. But, thanks to my good record before the incident and thanks to my officers. I was charged to serve 10 days. 10 long days.
On the first night. I remembered, that I slept like a log. Its just because of the sleepless hours the night before. But before I closed my eyes. I prayed to Allah Swt. I asked for his blessings for me to go through this ordeal in one piece and to give me the strength I need. Then I prayed for the safety of my parents. Then lastly I prayed for her. I remember me saying. Ya Allah, lindungi la dia dari segala bencane dan kesusahan. Permudahkan perjalanan hidup dia. Amin. Every night without fail. I will pray for her. I reflected alot in life when I was in there. During the stay in there. My mind drifts into thinking that she have given up on me. I was ready to face all of that when I get out. I thought about what my dad is doing? What my mum is doing? But mostly my mind was on her. How is she doing? What she is doing? I even told my cell mates about her. They said. Bro you are one lucky Mother Fucker for having someone like her. Its just that you don't appreciate her. Those words hit me hard. I remembered my dad and sis visiting me 3 days before my release. I told my sis to give her a message. Just 3 words. I Love You.
In 10 days. I've never forgotten about her. Everyday while waiting in between the meal times. I never stopped thinking about her. I realise how much I love her. On the day of my release. The moment I reached camp. I stepped out of the gp car. I went on my knees and kissed the ground. It was a show of how glad I am to be back in camp. The taste of freedom couldn't be better. I rushed up to my bunk. Open my cupboard and switched on my phone. I recieved a msg from her. It says. I miss you sayang. Come home soon. I called her and I told her I missed her so much. That evening was a Saturday 10th Febuary 2007. Met her at Jurong East Mrt. She wearing this red and white striped knee length dress. She was the best sight on earth. I walked up to her and Hugged her.
That very moment. I realised that she was everything in my life. I love her then. I still love her now.
Labels: You Gotta Stand Up No Matter How Bad You Fall
Date/time: 11/02/2010 08:45:00 AM
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Should I give up? Should I hold on to this thin hope? Or should I just keep on going? It dawns on me that no matter how hard I try. I won't have the chance again. Maybe my time have passed on by without me realizing it. You may say I'm foolish. One things for sure, I'm not an idiot. I get the drift. Even if I dig up the sweetest memories of us from the stone age days. It will never be good enough to give me a chance with you. It looks like giving up is the best thing to do. But, if I do. I'm losing out on the one thing that can change the entire fabric of my life. What should I do? Am I just hurting myself all over again? So many questions. So little answer. Am really disheartened. The effort. Is it paying off? Someone tell me. Is this the right thing for me to do?
Labels: Help
Date/time: 10/29/2010 02:46:00 AM
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There are many types of people walking the earth surface. There are those who are real. There are those who are fake. There are those who are lovers. Then there is the fighters just to name a few. As for me, I'm somewhat different. On the exterior, I can be as calm as the Sea of Tranquility on the moon. But posterior wise, I am a raging storm. I hide many feelings and thoughts. Especially, my feelings towards my past relationships. Some say talking or writing about it helps. Some will view this way of expressing one self through the means of blogging attention seeking. But to hell with these numb skulls or morons. They just don't have a heart to begin with.
There are many things about me which I hide. Like how soft hearted I am. I only reveal that side to my true friends. Like Harny, Ian, Wan Joe, Shaz and Atiq to name a few. These people, they are my place of solace, happiness and many more crazy things. I owe it to them, for me still being around. Everyday, I look myself in the mirror and I get disgusted just by the sight of me. Deep down, only I know whats in my mind. Whats burdening my heart. Let me quote myself, "In my mind, you are the safest choice, but my heart say no". Harny, that line seems so familiar right? I say it just to make myself feel good. But in actual fact. I still hope, I still pray that she will one day return and mend my broken heart. That facade that you see is just like a firewall. Only the ones who knows me can break through it. This morning I came across something in her Life Journal dated April 26th 2008 . It says "Ever since the conflict that we had in early 2007, I was giving up and I thought this relationship will not bring us anywhere. He tried his best to convince me that he would turn into a new leaf, and eventually, he did it. He changed to a better person. I believe what goes around, comes around. Somewhere in the month of September, I did something bad that nobody would expect me to do. He was so disappointed in me and only god knows what he was thinking when the moment I told him about it. Our relationship wasn't smooth for a few months and each time we had conflict, this will pop out. It was so hard for me to heal his wounds and I tried 101 ways to please him and gain back the trust. Till now, I'm still wondering whether he have totally accepted my apologies. :( In 1 month plus, it's going to be our 4years anniversary and in 4 years time, I'm going to get engaged with him. Yes people. I've made up my mind. Instead of getting engaged at the age of 27, I've change it to 26. I'm going to tie the knot for about 1 1/2 years. Whatever it is, 28 would still be my ideal age of getting hitched. (: Though at times I may be rough, violent and always making trouble in the relationship, Deep down in my heart,I truly love you, my sweetheart. I may not always say the 3 words, "I ♥ you" ,
But, I'll always show and prove that I love you through the "TLC" (Tender, Loving & Care) way. Good night." This was blogged down by the one women I call Love. The one who gave me room to be someone great in her life. But I blew it. I realize how awful I was back then. The way I treated her. I regretted my actions. I was stupid. But now its just way to late to regret. I should have stop in my tracks and think it through. It was a hasty decision. I lost my way. But a small piece of my heart tells me. If I am patient enough. If I really love her. I should just let nature takes it course. I have to start from the bottom. I have to start being no one in her life. If you are reading this blog of mine. I hope you fully understand where I am coming from.
These are the side of me which I believe only great friends know. The only side that you know Liana. Being two different person at one time is tiring. Last words, I love my friends and I want to love you all over again.
These are the side of me which I believe only great friends know. The only side that you know Liana. Being two different person at one time is tiring. Last words, I love my friends and I want to love you all over again.
Labels: No Room To Breathe
Date/time: 10/28/2010 01:10:00 PM
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I shall start this entry with a big thank you. Thanks to the beautiful faces, that brightens my everyday. I can say that I am quite blessed. I have loving, cool and funny parents. I have cool, awesome and crazy friends. But, I had the privilege of dating cool and good looking people.
Now, I realize why God gave me eyes. He wants me to see the beauty in his creations. Lets take an example. My mother. From the day that I start to remember things. She was and still is the one and only beautiful creation God has ever made. She is the epitome of a women. Smart, strong, level headed, caring, gentle and many more. No words can describe her beauty. Through her eyes, I saw how much I meant to her. I was her son. Her only son. A mother's love can't be measured. It can never be compared. It can never change. I will never compare her to any women. Cause she has always been there. Through ups and downs. I remembered her, telling me. The day that I was born. I was premature. 7 months if I'm not wrong. I was small according to my dad. But I was a fighter. That was what mum said. She instilled in me, the desire to succeed in life. But up till this very moment. What have I achieved? Its a question that I ponder about everyday. Instead of achievements. All I gave to her was, the constant nagging at me for being an idiot. But she never did gave up. She always hoped and pray. That her only son would realize his true potential. Mama, that is the one word that i say everyday. But I can't remember telling her how much I love her. No matter how much I tell her that I love her. It doesn't come close to her love for me. The only son.
So what about fathers. The man of the house. A status that I would one day become. My dad, he is super cute, cool but at the same time stern. He knows when to be serious and when not to be. I remember my childhood days well. I was a naughty little devil. Always up to no good. But I was the cry baby. I had a warrant on me that says. I can do anything and get away with it. Well that is what i thought. But whenever I was too naughty. Dad would only gave me one look. That was the sign that says. Jas, you better stop doing whatever that you are doing! But he was a soft hearted man. Each time he beats me. For doing something really wrong. He would actually cry. He will hug me and say that he is sorry. He has compassion. That is when I learn that being a father is the best job on earth. Up till now. I still look up to my dad as a role model. At 66 years old. He is still good looking for his age. Other then the fact that he gets crappy, he has no bottom tooth left other then his lone standing molar right at the back of his mouth. He told me during my ORD Parade. That he was proud of me. At that point, I had tears welled up in my eyes. Never have I heard my dad saying that to me. You filled me up with respect and awe. Abah is waht I call him. That is what I want my kids to call me. Your only son.
They are the most beautiful faces I have laid my eyes upon. They are the faces that I want to be. They are the beautiful faces that I keep in my heart. They will be the only beautiful faces I have in my eyes.
Labels: Abah You're Cool, Mama You Rock
Date/time: 10/26/2010 12:36:00 AM
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Bila ade time nak blog, I can't think of anything to blog about. How ironic is this. But the irony is, aku maseh nak blog jugak, walaupun aku tak ade idea langsung. Well, after so long I finally manage to find time to send my netbook for repair. Buang duit lagi. 220 bucks spent on repairing it. Habis gaji aku. Takpe end month pon nak datang. Tahan je lah cam nie. Anyways semalam aku gi Geylang with Harny, Ian,my beloved Chuppy and Ian,s mother and his step dad. For the record, Ian, mak kau super cool. Ade ke org cuci baju letak ikan dalam washing machine? Haha. Harny, you mum in law loves you and dotes on you. Chuppy, you stole my heart. Last night I read your blog and aku felt really touched. Now I know how much I really mean to you as a friend. Thanks babe. After so long aku feel appreciated.
Anyways while we are on this subject. Aku would like to take this opportunity to say that I love you guys to bits and pieces (Harny, Ian, Atiq, Shaz, Wan Joe and not forgetting Chuppy masam). Without you guy, no point for me smiling. The guidance you guys gave me. The laughters, tears and all the god things. I appreciate you guys. Frankly, korang da macam adik beradik aku. I still remember the day you got married. Aku damn happy for kau. When you were in labour (with darling Chuppy). Aku risau semacam. Aku takout kau mati. Sal if you did die. I not only lost a friend and a sister. But am losing a major part of me. Ian, the moment I met you. Aku believe that you'd make a very gd husband and dad. Aku don't even care abt your past. To me a person have to be judged based on their present. Now aku look at kau as an elder brother. Who knows when to be serious and not. Thanks eh semalam kau ketawekan dulu the baru bilang aku yang seluar aku tak zip betul. Thanks for giving us ur friends Chuppy. She is something for us to smile and be proud of.
Bottom line, I am damn proud to have the both of you in my life. So with this I shall end it. Aku cinta korang. Takde korang, takde aku.
Labels: I LOVE CHUPPY
Date/time: 10/25/2010 11:07:00 AM
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Sometimes I wonder, why do people make things complicated? they tend to complicate their lives with random stupid thoughts. Tak perlu langsung. Bila da complicated. Diorang nye mengelabah. Teruk! aku cakap orang, aku pun same kadang - kadang.
Anyways, am at the hospital. Chuppy, my beloved cutie pie is sick. Kesian pulak budak nie. Asik masuk hospital je. You shall have the award for patient of the year. Haha. I realise that, as I grew older. I am getting more random then usual. Getting more and more crappier. But I've always been crappy. Tanye je la sape - sape yang kenal aku. Confirm - confirm they'll say I am. Oh this morning. Aku peh fed up with parents aku. Tak habis - habis besarkan kakak aku. Stakat sal tu stupid SD Card. Tu pun aku jugak yang kene maki ngan parents. Sungguh tidak adil skali. Ikotkan hati, aku nak je bakar lobang idung dia. Nasib aku takde lighter la in my hand.
Oh, just now she dropped by to visit Chuppy. As always, she is irritating. Tapi cute ( Harny, aku suspect kau tau sape lah) haha. She left early for work. Rajin budak nie. Keje tempat pelik - pelik. Yang klakar sal nie budak. Keje rajin, tapi nak beli kasut mintak aku. Kalau kasut budget takpe. Dia mintak Asics Onitsuka Tiger. Geram - geram, aku beli Tat Seng baru tau. Tapi takpe, sayang nye pasal aku beli je la. Now nie anak beranak ngah tengok cerita Curiopus Case Of Benjamin Button. Peh kusyuk. Tak layan aku nie. Ok la, I think that is all for now. So dear readers ( mane peh popular je blog aku, step banyak readers ) stay tuned to the same channel. I shall return.
Labels: A Touch Of Heaven, Ape lagi...Main Mercun Ah...
Date/time: 10/12/2010 07:53:00 PM
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This is really random. Just a thought. For so long I kept it tucked away in the corner of my mind. Finding the best time to update this blog is hard. Been super busy. So just enjoy the writings ok.
"I have to start believing that things do happen for a reason. It's hard I have to admit, and it's heartbreaking to let someone who you still love deeply, go. But you need to be happy, everyone needs to be happy. And I believe that he can make you happier than I ever could. I will miss hearing your voice, I will miss just seeing you. These dreams I have been having, I knew they would mean something. It is a bitter pill to swallow, but I will be alright. Do not worry about me, because you have your goals to work towards. I want you to smile always, and know that sometimes, it's ok to make others hurt, and it's ok to feel guilty. Because I know you will get back up even stronger. I will never ever forget you, and I hope you remember that everything I did, was in the hopes that we could be happy together. I still love you, and you will always be in my heart, because I chose to share a part of my life with you; I chose to be happy, to be sad, to be frustrated, and most of all, I allowed myself to love you, with my heart, with everything that I could give. But all in all, I know he will give you more than I was able to. And I hope, in time to come, you realize how special you are, to me, to your family, your relatives, your friends, and to him."
Labels: Love letters in the sand
Date/time: 11/05/2009 12:43:00 AM
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